Due to the underwhelming response to my last post (except for the naked weirdo who showed up in my front yard on his bike. After asking him a few questions it became clear that he did not in fact follow my blog and certainly wasn't there for any audition. Which would explain his heavy breathing and propensity for fondling his own genitals throughout the entire conversation.....)
...where was I? Oh right, no one reads my blog. Which is why I have decided to take a more journalistic approach this week. Lure the public in first with something credible and then when they come crawling back, THAT'S when you hit them with a riveting Where-Did-Lindsay-Lohan's-Boobs-Go? Exposé. So with the Olympics being covered by every major news station and my lack of knowledge on the the fiscal plight of North America, I thought it best to write about an undeniably factual event.
Cue:
No, no, no, keep reading!! I swear this article isn't some sensationalized piece of literary fluff designed to increase ratings. You know I would never do that to my loyal followers.
(Mom).
(Mom).
Island-Hopping Robot Monsters
What started as a bizarre phenomenon confined to a small chain of islands in the South Pacific has now reached epidemic proportions taking over the entire Southern Hemisphere. Droves of island-hopping robot monsters have declared war on the human species, more specifically: humans of the "on vacation" variety. First accounts by survivors describe incidents where loved ones’ heads had been forcefully removed, replaced with the robot monster's own and then photographed by accompanying robot monsters while morbidly posing in tourist-like scenarios (see totally un-photoshopped picture below).
Scientists are speculating that the robot monsters initial modus operandi was "prolonged psychological terror with disturbingly playful undercurrents;" that they were engaging in a drawn-out cat-and-mouse game involving elaborate planning, inconspicuous stalking and brilliantly executed covert attacks. However, those tactics have rapidly degenerated into violent chaos as the scene has since given way to one that can only be described as a frenzy of gore, a hedonistic buffet. Abandoning all former strategies of stealth, these robot monsters are now brazenly tearing limbs off sunbathing vacationers in order to beat other sunbathing vacationers and indiscriminately zapping elderly sightseers with laser beams leaving nothing but smoking piles of ash scattered with metal pins from hip replacements past.
The North American Defense Against Notoriously Unruly Technology (NADANUT as its referred to by geeks around the world) has issued a travel advisory to those planning trips to tropical destinations. They are asking that people consider Arctic cruises as an alternative vacation option until further notice. The US Government has since deployed 300,000 impressionable young soldiers to seize control over what looks to be an unstoppable force of metal and wires. In a controversial move by the US President, the Geneva Convention has been temporarily nullified and the US Secretary of Defense is quoted as saying "any prisoner-of-war will be denied access to battery chargers, hydraulic fluid and single board computer replacement components." Outraged critics of the U.S. Department of Defense-led tyranny have banded together en masse to put forth an appeal to the Supreme Court.
Meanwhile, the Canadian Armed Forces has issued this official statement: "We regret to inform the United Nations that although we would like to help in the effort to bring peace between man and bot, we feel that any interference could be construed as disregard for the personal liberties and right to self-determination of robot monsters as outlined in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. It is this country's policy to maintain a "wait-and-see" stance on any global altercation where weaponry beyond bayonets or buckets of rocks are used to address burgeoning disagreements. We have however drafted a strongly worded letter that is currently being signed by our reigning Monarch, Her Majesty, the Queen.* We feel the content of this emphatic yet objective edict best represents the Canadian sentiment of disapproval towards the inappropriate display of un-neighborliness and insensitivity these robot monsters have thus far inflicted upon the human race. We predict this letter will be ready to send within the year, subject to passing through democratic review at all three levels of government and of course a federal referendum. We would like to publicly extend our best wishes to both robot monster and human and hope that in the process of arbitrating this 'miscommunication', life-long friendship will be the final outcome."
*Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom, Canada and Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.†
† Elizabeth Deux, par la grâce de Dieu Reine du Royaume-Uni, du Canada et de ses autres royaumes et territoires, Chef du Commonwealth, Défenseur de la Foi.
There you have it folks, news coverage gold. I see it as my duty to both educate and enlighten the masses with posts such as this one, so cutting edge that it will no doubt end up in a Bill Moyers documentary. Where will YOU be when I receive the Pulitzer for my reporting of the War on Robot Terror? That is the question you'll all be asking one day. Just like the Kennedy Assassination. Not to say I'm going to get shot in a convertible. Or maybe I will. Roofless cars are splendid and I say a lot of obnoxious things (or so my low readership would suggest). But assassination-worthy? A bit extreme, even for Lee Harvey Oswald.....
.....BAHAHAHA! Yeah, like we don't know the CIA was responsible for that one. Just like that fictitious moon landing. We all saw the reflection of lies in Buzz Aldrin's visor. WE ALL SAW IT. Ooh! My subscription to Flat Earth Society Monthly just arrived. Gotta go.
What started as a bizarre phenomenon confined to a small chain of islands in the South Pacific has now reached epidemic proportions taking over the entire Southern Hemisphere. Droves of island-hopping robot monsters have declared war on the human species, more specifically: humans of the "on vacation" variety. First accounts by survivors describe incidents where loved ones’ heads had been forcefully removed, replaced with the robot monster's own and then photographed by accompanying robot monsters while morbidly posing in tourist-like scenarios (see totally un-photoshopped picture below).
Scientists are speculating that the robot monsters initial modus operandi was "prolonged psychological terror with disturbingly playful undercurrents;" that they were engaging in a drawn-out cat-and-mouse game involving elaborate planning, inconspicuous stalking and brilliantly executed covert attacks. However, those tactics have rapidly degenerated into violent chaos as the scene has since given way to one that can only be described as a frenzy of gore, a hedonistic buffet. Abandoning all former strategies of stealth, these robot monsters are now brazenly tearing limbs off sunbathing vacationers in order to beat other sunbathing vacationers and indiscriminately zapping elderly sightseers with laser beams leaving nothing but smoking piles of ash scattered with metal pins from hip replacements past.The North American Defense Against Notoriously Unruly Technology (NADANUT as its referred to by geeks around the world) has issued a travel advisory to those planning trips to tropical destinations. They are asking that people consider Arctic cruises as an alternative vacation option until further notice. The US Government has since deployed 300,000 impressionable young soldiers to seize control over what looks to be an unstoppable force of metal and wires. In a controversial move by the US President, the Geneva Convention has been temporarily nullified and the US Secretary of Defense is quoted as saying "any prisoner-of-war will be denied access to battery chargers, hydraulic fluid and single board computer replacement components." Outraged critics of the U.S. Department of Defense-led tyranny have banded together en masse to put forth an appeal to the Supreme Court.
Meanwhile, the Canadian Armed Forces has issued this official statement: "We regret to inform the United Nations that although we would like to help in the effort to bring peace between man and bot, we feel that any interference could be construed as disregard for the personal liberties and right to self-determination of robot monsters as outlined in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. It is this country's policy to maintain a "wait-and-see" stance on any global altercation where weaponry beyond bayonets or buckets of rocks are used to address burgeoning disagreements. We have however drafted a strongly worded letter that is currently being signed by our reigning Monarch, Her Majesty, the Queen.* We feel the content of this emphatic yet objective edict best represents the Canadian sentiment of disapproval towards the inappropriate display of un-neighborliness and insensitivity these robot monsters have thus far inflicted upon the human race. We predict this letter will be ready to send within the year, subject to passing through democratic review at all three levels of government and of course a federal referendum. We would like to publicly extend our best wishes to both robot monster and human and hope that in the process of arbitrating this 'miscommunication', life-long friendship will be the final outcome."
*Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom, Canada and Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.†
† Elizabeth Deux, par la grâce de Dieu Reine du Royaume-Uni, du Canada et de ses autres royaumes et territoires, Chef du Commonwealth, Défenseur de la Foi.
There you have it folks, news coverage gold. I see it as my duty to both educate and enlighten the masses with posts such as this one, so cutting edge that it will no doubt end up in a Bill Moyers documentary. Where will YOU be when I receive the Pulitzer for my reporting of the War on Robot Terror? That is the question you'll all be asking one day. Just like the Kennedy Assassination. Not to say I'm going to get shot in a convertible. Or maybe I will. Roofless cars are splendid and I say a lot of obnoxious things (or so my low readership would suggest). But assassination-worthy? A bit extreme, even for Lee Harvey Oswald.....
.....BAHAHAHA! Yeah, like we don't know the CIA was responsible for that one. Just like that fictitious moon landing. We all saw the reflection of lies in Buzz Aldrin's visor. WE ALL SAW IT. Ooh! My subscription to Flat Earth Society Monthly just arrived. Gotta go.
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