And this time they've brought a mouse with them as reinforcement. Not that I blame them, I did wipe out their entire colony last May with a deadly cocktail of borax and icing sugar. So apparently the collective pain-body of ants is real! Eckart Tolle will be fascinated to know this (because he reads my blog) and this pain-body lives on generations after such horrors as the Great Gen-sectocide of 2009. This new wave of ants is relentless, calculated and gives off the spooky vibe "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER." (insert Jennifer Love Hewitt joke here and flash to creepy dude in wellingtons wielding a large hook. Hey we all
Getting off track.
Ants + mouse = scheduling nightmare for Sarah. Do you have any idea how stressful it is to be responsible for killing numerous species at once? I mean, where do you allot your time? Which pest gets priority? The mouse is a filthy rodent that carries disease and keeps me up at night with incessant scratching in my walls. The ants though are plentiful and just keep marching in 2 by 2 (hoorah! hoorah!). If only there was a combined product I could use to eradicate them both. An-ouse Annihilator. M-ant Murder Mist. Wow. Horrible product names. Someone's in for a pink slip this afternoon. Oh what? You think I don't have staff? You think a blog reaches this sort of stature as a one-woman show? Pff. Hardly. Hang on - Kevin! Where's my pickle bath?! You KNOW I can't blog if I don't soak for at least 45 minutes in a pickle bath! And while you're at it come braid my hair into those Princess Leia side buns I like and pay my Skype bill. What? He's an intern. Got him right off the internet. In this economic climate you can get people to do just about anything by promising them job security and benefits. Is it my fault if he assumes "benefits" mean extended medical and dental? I think the "benefit" of learning from me is worth double that. I'm sure he'll think so too. Maybe not after that root canal surgery he's planning to bill to his "insurance" lands him in financial ruin but there again, life lesson: never assume anything. And I was the one to teach it to him. See? Be-ne-fit. (sidenote: Sarah B.Mus.ed is always taking resumes.)
Back to the topic of mice and men. Oh wait, that was last night's Books-I-Pretend-I've-Read-to-Make-Myself-Seem-Smarter-Than-Someone-Who-Frequents-TheSuperficial.com Book Club meeting notes. I meant mice and ants, back to the topic of mice and ants.
This mouse is a real piece of work too. Total snot-wad. I have put down not one, not two, but three traps with juicy sultana raisins coated in organic Valentia peanut butter and not a single nibble (or subsequent neck snap). No please, continue to eat the particle board under my kitchen sink. I can see how that would be much more appetizing. You know, mice in general don't offend me but this one has made it personal. He's got me running around pounding on the walls like a crazed mental patient at 3:00 a.m. from his systematic scratching. And he's not just relying on good old fashion mousey-sense to drive me insane. No, I'm convinced this mouse has gone high-tech; an infrared camera at the very least. I can just picture him sitting there at Command Central with his teeny-tiny mouse feet up on his teeny-tiny mouse desk watching the screen zoom in on my face. When I'm juuuuust about asleep, that's when he makes his move. He starts quiet at first to make me wonder if I'd even heard him in the first place. I jerk my head off the pillow, hold my breath and wait to see if I hear it again or if it was just a figment of my imagination. When I'm convinced it was all in my mind, I let my eyes close, head drop back down on my pillow and begin drifting off into a peacefu-SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH. And then silence. Only to be filled with SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH once again until my silent breath-holding turns into a thunderous "I hear you, you little fucker!!" Oh yes, we play this little game of back and forth for quite sometime until finally he forgoes the coyness and steps fully into his destiny of Carnegie Hall Wall Scratcher Virtuoso and really picks up the tempo. "And now ladies and gentleman, the performer you've all been waiting for, its Melachi the Mouse soloing on Wood Paneling!" 'With a scratch scratch here, and a scratch scratch there. Here a scratch, there a scratch, everywhere a scratch scratch. Old Macnabber had a mouse. E-I-E-I-O....'
And of course his name is Melachi. How pretentious. I bet it means "rodent with asshole complex." Oh wait, Google says that it's Hebrew and means "messenger from God." Wow, God is trying to contact me through my uninsulated walls? Maybe tonight I should listen to see if I can decipher some divine meaning in those scratches. Or maybe God just sent a mouse to live in my wall. And keep me up. All night. Every night. Well shit, that can't be good. Hey God (he also reads my blog), is this about that time in 2nd grade when I smeared cheese all over the inside of Shannon Reimer's desk during recess? Because that bitch had it coming. (She really did).
Seriously God, its time to let old grievances go and call off your mouse. While you're at it, take the ants with you as well. They're starting to overrun my desk and compu-sdifwuha lairufg aldiuclae liua yscgaliywgef AHHHHHHHH HELP ME-lsiduhgsl siughsli NOOOO NOT THE EYESuehlsieu aliuali faeyliyagr fjo;ij sdofh sdo aodoD7#& weooha )0rg['3i'j.............................
Greetings reader of Tall Human Blog. We are Ant People. Tall Human go on journey. We mean Tall Human no harm. Just many ant experiments. Hope Tall Human like taste of Borax.....NHE NHE NHE *evil ant laughter*
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