So what about those committed bloggers, ‘eh? They sure do have a lot to say. Is it possible that I have fewer obnoxious opinions than I previously thought? Or perhaps it’s that I am exactly as lazy as I always knew. Whatever the case, its time to post something so people stop sending me emails bugging me to update my blog.
That was a lie. No one does that. Just trying to create the illusion of interest where there is none.
I wonder if I downloaded those sexy animated ladies who gyrate along the sides of the computer screen and wantonly push their pixelated boobs into your face, if my site would get more hits that way? Maybe not the demographic I had originally envisioned but times are tough people, recession and all. Butter rations/slutty online advertising banners. You do what you have to....
Maybe the problem is that there is no purpose to this blog. I just saw that Julia Child movie about the unhappy lady who cooks all the time and then blogs about her unhappiness until someone offers her a book deal and then she becomes happy again (Professional Movie Synopsis Writer - possible future career??)
Fair enough. So what I need is a good old-fashioned conflict. Yes, that’s it. A conflicty conflict rife with conflictions of the most conflicted type, so that people will tune in every week to follow my progress as I navigate through the perilous waters of conflicted..ness...ism..
Soooooo.....any ideas for possible conflicts I could try to right in my life through blogging?
Lets make a list of things that I want to change and go from there.
1.) paying taxes
2.) living with squirrels/rats/possibly a family of possums in my wall
3.) having the flexibility of a 70-year-old man
4.) the lack of fibre in chocolate (more of a national problem. This affects us all people….)
Wow. That’s a boring list. And I bet I could sort out every one of these issues in under 30 seconds. Time me!
1.) I pay very few taxes in the grand scheme of things and often get most of them back at the end of the year due to the 'sympathy clause' in the Canadian Revenue Agency for those "less inclined to be a cog in the machine" (watch out! if you like your job and use any amount of creativity in doing it, you might be one of these insurgents...) The CRA can't fathom how earning less to do what you love might actually be personal CHOICE as opposed to some sort of failure to achieve the 'luxury' of spending 8 mind-numbing hours a day under fluorescent lighting and the oppressive thumb of North America's fucked-up construct of an economy......whatever.
2.) The vermin in my wall might just need a little convincing with a blow torch and some persistence on my part (Persistence® being the name of the new line of clean burning eco-fuel I found online...).
3.) I joined a yoga studio at the beginning of January with intense determination. A little morale-crushing to get the mat next to the 70-year-old mans who folds himself in half, and then in quarter and then for good measure (because the elderly are show offs) once more into eighths. So if I could get half the flexibility of this particular 70-year-old man I will be content. Also, watch your step Harold. I would hate to see you "accidentally" slip on that icy pavement out back....
4.) I'm thinking that the chocolate just needs to be eaten simultaneously with a box of bran or something. A cumbersome but workable solution.
Ok. That was easy. A little TOO easy. Clearly we need a bigger conflict. Some sort of civil liberty violation. Maybe not directed right at ME because, well, that would suck, but perhaps at someone I know (and like enough to get upset over but not so much that I get the crappy karma of wishing ill will on my friends). That way I can rant and rave about the "system" and "the hand of the man" keeping the little guy down. There is no better ranting than the one directed at The Man. Yes, it does turn us all into ignorant and irresponsible citizens but DAMN it feels good. Kinda like when your brain knows that the large-sized DQ Blizzard following an intense Mexican feast is:
A.) the definition of "bad idea"
and
B.) going to put you out of commission for at least 36 hours
.....but somehow you find your hand autonomously sliding $5.55 across the counter to the eagerly waiting adolescent server anyways.....
Mmmmmm. Blizzard.
Focus Sarah!
Back to the topic of civil rights being trampled, anyone interested in getting arrested for the sake of this blog? Nothing terribly illegal. Just illegal enough, you know, to get picked up by the cops for a night, but then let go the very next day (hey, I'll even buy you breakfast....have you ever experienced a half gallon of creamy smooth soft serve blended with your favorite candy, cookies, or fruit at 7:00am?? You are in for a treat my friend. And by treat I mean bloating, constipation and intense nausea.)
Dammit! Oh Delicious Frozen Delight, your seductive powers hold me in a constant state of yearning.....
Back to the topic of one of you getting arrested. Remember the concept is illegal but not TOO illegal.
Example: Smoking a joint while riding a bike naked.
Through a corporate ground breaking ceremony.
While local news cameras roll.
Better yet, CBC National News cameras.
Live feed.
And maybe you shout something about "capitalist pigs" just as you throw a pie at someones face.
Preferably the CEO.
And then *ding* your little bike bell to bring levity to the situation.
This part is C-R-U-C-I-A-L. The idea here is to downgrade any possible charges of "assault" to "lighthearted silliness that offers everyone the opportunity to look deep inside themselves and realize that when we take life so seriously we miss out on experiencing true joy....and also people end up going to jail on assault charges for throwing pies at other people's faces."
Yeah. That little *ding* really is the linchpin of the plan. DO NOT FORGET THE DING.
Feel free to paint whatever slogans you wish on your naked body. I am open-minded. Disdain for the Olympics, the clubbing of baby seals and "Hey Stop Melting The Polar Ice Caps By Driving Around In Your Penis-Enhancing Hummer H2, You Giant Douche-Bag!" seem to be popular choices these days but please don't limit yourself. I can think of thousands of things to angrily rant about that don't involve any of the usual suspects (like how our country has let the inflation rate of Blizzards go up faster than wage increases. Bastards.)
My god, this plan is brilliant! You see, I am an IDEAS person. I keep trying to explain this to people: "I am a thinker. You should be the doer. Of the things I think. Its just so simple, I really don't get where the misunderstanding (on your part) seems to keep happening...."
All volunteers please leave your name and contact info in the comments section. I'll of course be holding auditions to evaluate bike handling, target aiming and obscenity screaming skills. Be prepared to do this all while naked (hey, would you expect an actor to show up to the dress rehearsal NOT in costume? Didn't think so. This isn't amateur hour people. A BLOG's fate depends on your professionalism)
Looking forward to the cascade of applicants sure to pour in any minute now....
*Since authenticity is key in blogging, I rushed out after writing this and got me one of these (Blizzard AND stomach ache) to be able to post this very real photograph. Unfortunately the whole experience was a serious bummer. Not only did I get stiffed in the "stuff" department (Reeces Peanut Butter Cups is this gal's poison) but they wouldn't accept my $5 bill because it looked "fake." Well screw you DQ on Denman Street! I'll just take my phony money and diabetic coma elsewhere. PS assholes: $3.99 ($4.19 with tax!!) is NOT a reasonable amount to charge for a Small Blizzard and jacking the "extra stuff" price up to 79¢ is disgusting. World. Hell. Handbasket.
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