Tempest In A Teapot......being poured by robots.

Due to the underwhelming response to my last post (except for the naked weirdo who showed up in my front yard on his bike. After asking him a few questions it became clear that he did not in fact follow my blog and certainly wasn't there for any audition. Which would explain his heavy breathing and propensity for fondling his own genitals throughout the entire conversation.....)

...where was I? Oh right, no one reads my blog. Which is why I have decided to take a more journalistic approach this week. Lure the public in first with something credible and then when they come crawling back, THAT'S when you hit them with a riveting Where-Did-Lindsay-Lohan's-Boobs-Go? Exposé. So with the Olympics being covered by every major news station and my lack of knowledge on the the fiscal plight of North America, I thought it best to write about an undeniably factual event.

Cue:

No, no, no, keep reading!! I swear this article isn't some sensationalized piece of literary fluff designed to increase ratings. You know I would never do that to my loyal followers.

(Mom).

Island-Hopping Robot Monsters

What started as a bizarre phenomenon confined to a small chain of islands in the South Pacific has now reached epidemic proportions taking over the entire Southern Hemisphere. Droves of island-hopping robot monsters have declared war on the human species, more specifically: humans of the "on vacation" variety. First accounts by survivors describe incidents where loved ones’ heads had been forcefully removed, replaced with the robot monster's own and then photographed by accompanying robot monsters while morbidly posing in tourist-like scenarios (see totally un-photoshopped picture below).
Scientists are speculating that the robot monsters initial modus operandi was "prolonged psychological terror with disturbingly playful undercurrents;" that they were engaging in a drawn-out cat-and-mouse game involving elaborate planning, inconspicuous stalking and brilliantly executed covert attacks. However, those tactics have rapidly degenerated into violent chaos as the scene has since given way to one that can only be described as a frenzy of gore, a hedonistic buffet. Abandoning all former strategies of stealth, these robot monsters are now brazenly tearing limbs off sunbathing vacationers in order to beat other sunbathing vacationers and indiscriminately zapping elderly sightseers with laser beams leaving nothing but smoking piles of ash scattered with metal pins from hip replacements past.

The North American Defense Against Notoriously Unruly Technology (NADANUT as its referred to by geeks around the world) has issued a travel advisory to those planning trips to tropical destinations. They are asking that people consider Arctic cruises as an alternative vacation option until further notice. The US Government has since deployed 300,000 impressionable young soldiers to seize control over what looks to be an unstoppable force of metal and wires. In a controversial move by the US President, the Geneva Convention has been temporarily nullified and the US Secretary of Defense is quoted as saying "any prisoner-of-war will be denied access to battery chargers, hydraulic fluid and single board computer replacement components." Outraged critics of the U.S. Department of Defense-led tyranny have banded together en masse to put forth an appeal to the Supreme Court.

Meanwhile, the Canadian Armed Forces has issued this official statement: "We regret to inform the United Nations that although we would like to help in the effort to bring peace between man and bot, we feel that any interference could be construed as disregard for the personal liberties and right to self-determination of robot monsters as outlined in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. It is this country's policy to maintain a "wait-and-see" stance on any global altercation where weaponry beyond bayonets or buckets of rocks are used to address burgeoning disagreements. We have however drafted a strongly worded letter that is currently being signed by our reigning Monarch, Her Majesty, the Queen.* We feel the content of this emphatic yet objective edict best represents the Canadian sentiment of disapproval towards the inappropriate display of un-neighborliness and insensitivity these robot monsters have thus far inflicted upon the human race. We predict this letter will be ready to send within the year, subject to passing through democratic review at all three levels of government and of course a federal referendum. We would like to publicly extend our best wishes to both robot monster and human and hope that in the process of arbitrating this 'miscommunication', life-long friendship will be the final outcome."

*Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom, Canada and Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.†

† Elizabeth Deux, par la grâce de Dieu Reine du Royaume-Uni, du Canada et de ses autres royaumes et territoires, Chef du Commonwealth, Défenseur de la Foi.

There you have it folks, news coverage gold. I see it as my duty to both educate and enlighten the masses with posts such as this one, so cutting edge that it will no doubt end up in a Bill Moyers documentary. Where will YOU be when I receive the Pulitzer for my reporting of the War on Robot Terror? That is the question you'll all be asking one day. Just like the Kennedy Assassination. Not to say I'm going to get shot in a convertible. Or maybe I will. Roofless cars are splendid and I say a lot of obnoxious things (or so my low readership would suggest). But assassination-worthy? A bit extreme, even for Lee Harvey Oswald.....

.....BAHAHAHA! Yeah, like we don't know the CIA was responsible for that one. Just like that fictitious moon landing. We all saw the reflection of lies in Buzz Aldrin's visor. WE ALL SAW IT. Ooh! My subscription to Flat Earth Society Monthly just arrived. Gotta go.

Finding The Nub

So it turns out that successful blogs are directly related to the amount of effort you put into them (fine print I neglected to read when I signed up with Blogger.com). I am astounded by how often people update their blogs. And over the most inane shit too. They sneeze and its all "type-ah, type-ah, type-ah." I mean if you read MY blog, you’ll see how I stand out from all the rest. I cover serious and relevant topics that make a difference to people’s lives. How many unsuspecting folk did I prevent from wasting two hours by going to see “The Core” with my extensive movie review? That’s philanthropy in its purest form. FACT.

So what about those committed bloggers, ‘eh? They sure do have a lot to say. Is it possible that I have fewer obnoxious opinions than I previously thought? Or perhaps it’s that I am exactly as lazy as I always knew. Whatever the case, its time to post something so people stop sending me emails bugging me to update my blog.

That was a lie. No one does that. Just trying to create the illusion of interest where there is none.

I wonder if I downloaded those sexy animated ladies who gyrate along the sides of the computer screen and wantonly push their pixelated boobs into your face, if my site would get more hits that way? Maybe not the demographic I had originally envisioned but times are tough people, recession and all. Butter rations/slutty online advertising banners. You do what you have to....

Maybe the problem is that there is no purpose to this blog. I just saw that Julia Child movie about the unhappy lady who cooks all the time and then blogs about her unhappiness until someone offers her a book deal and then she becomes happy again (Professional Movie Synopsis Writer - possible future career??)

Fair enough. So what I need is a good old-fashioned conflict. Yes, that’s it. A conflicty conflict rife with conflictions of the most conflicted type, so that people will tune in every week to follow my progress as I navigate through the perilous waters of conflicted..ness...ism..

Soooooo.....any ideas for possible conflicts I could try to right in my life through blogging?

Lets make a list of things that I want to change and go from there.

1.) paying taxes
2.) living with squirrels/rats/possibly a family of possums in my wall
3.) having the flexibility of a 70-year-old man
4.) the lack of fibre in chocolate (more of a national problem. This affects us all people….)

Wow. That’s a boring list. And I bet I could sort out every one of these issues in under 30 seconds. Time me!

1.) I pay very few taxes in the grand scheme of things and often get most of them back at the end of the year due to the 'sympathy clause' in the Canadian Revenue Agency for those "less inclined to be a cog in the machine" (watch out! if you like your job and use any amount of creativity in doing it, you might be one of these insurgents...) The CRA can't fathom how earning less to do what you love might actually be personal CHOICE as opposed to some sort of failure to achieve the 'luxury' of spending 8 mind-numbing hours a day under fluorescent lighting and the oppressive thumb of North America's fucked-up construct of an economy......whatever.

2.) The vermin in my wall might just need a little convincing with a blow torch and some persistence on my part (Persistence^® being the name of the new line of clean burning eco-fuel I found online...).

3.) I joined a yoga studio at the beginning of January with intense determination. A little morale-crushing to get the mat next to the 70-year-old mans who folds himself in half, and then in quarter and then for good measure (because the elderly are show offs) once more into eighths. So if I could get half the flexibility of this particular 70-year-old man I will be content. Also, watch your step Harold. I would hate to see you "accidentally" slip on that icy pavement out back....

4.) I'm thinking that the chocolate just needs to be eaten simultaneously with a box of bran or something. A cumbersome but workable solution.

Ok. That was easy. A little TOO easy. Clearly we need a bigger conflict. Some sort of civil liberty violation. Maybe not directed right at ME because, well, that would suck, but perhaps at someone I know (and like enough to get upset over but not so much that I get the crappy karma of wishing ill will on my friends). That way I can rant and rave about the "system" and "the hand of the man" keeping the little guy down. There is no better ranting than the one directed at The Man. Yes, it does turn us all into ignorant and irresponsible citizens but DAMN it feels good. Kinda like when your brain knows that the large-sized DQ Blizzard following an intense Mexican feast is:

A.) the definition of "bad idea"

and

B.) going to put you out of commission for at least 36 hours

.....but somehow you find your hand autonomously sliding $5.55 across the counter to the eagerly waiting adolescent server anyways.....

Mmmmmm. Blizzard.

Focus Sarah!

Back to the topic of civil rights being trampled, anyone interested in getting arrested for the sake of this blog? Nothing terribly illegal. Just illegal enough, you know, to get picked up by the cops for a night, but then let go the very next day (hey, I'll even buy you breakfast....have you ever experienced a half gallon of creamy smooth soft serve blended with your favorite candy, cookies, or fruit at 7:00am?? You are in for a treat my friend. And by treat I mean bloating, constipation and intense nausea.)

Dammit! Oh Delicious Frozen Delight, your seductive powers hold me in a constant state of yearning.....

Back to the topic of one of you getting arrested. Remember the concept is illegal but not TOO illegal.

Example: Smoking a joint while riding a bike naked.

Through a corporate ground breaking ceremony.

While local news cameras roll.

Better yet, CBC National News cameras.

Live feed.

And maybe you shout something about "capitalist pigs" just as you throw a pie at someones face.

Preferably the CEO.

And then *ding* your little bike bell to bring levity to the situation.

This part is C-R-U-C-I-A-L. The idea here is to downgrade any possible charges of "assault" to "lighthearted silliness that offers everyone the opportunity to look deep inside themselves and realize that when we take life so seriously we miss out on experiencing true joy....and also people end up going to jail on assault charges for throwing pies at other people's faces."

Yeah. That little *ding* really is the linchpin of the plan. DO NOT FORGET THE DING.

Feel free to paint whatever slogans you wish on your naked body. I am open-minded. Disdain for the Olympics, the clubbing of baby seals and "Hey Stop Melting The Polar Ice Caps By Driving Around In Your Penis-Enhancing Hummer H2, You Giant Douche-Bag!" seem to be popular choices these days but please don't limit yourself. I can think of thousands of things to angrily rant about that don't involve any of the usual suspects (like how our country has let the inflation rate of Blizzards go up faster than wage increases. Bastards.)

My god, this plan is brilliant! You see, I am an IDEAS person. I keep trying to explain this to people: "I am a thinker. You should be the doer. Of the things I think. Its just so simple, I really don't get where the misunderstanding (on your part) seems to keep happening...."

All volunteers please leave your name and contact info in the comments section. I'll of course be holding auditions to evaluate bike handling, target aiming and obscenity screaming skills. Be prepared to do this all while naked (hey, would you expect an actor to show up to the dress rehearsal NOT in costume? Didn't think so. This isn't amateur hour people. A BLOG's fate depends on your professionalism)

Looking forward to the cascade of applicants sure to pour in any minute now....



*Since authenticity is key in blogging, I rushed out after writing this and got me one of these (Blizzard AND stomach ache) to be able to post this very real photograph. Unfortunately the whole experience was a serious bummer. Not only did I get stiffed in the "stuff" department (Reeces Peanut Butter Cups is this gal's poison) but they wouldn't accept my $5 bill because it looked "fake." Well screw you DQ on Denman Street! I'll just take my phony money and diabetic coma elsewhere. PS assholes: $3.99 ($4.19 with tax!!) is NOT a reasonable amount to charge for a Small Blizzard and jacking the "extra stuff" price up to 79¢ is disgusting. World. Hell. Handbasket.