Where are all the music geeks hiding on the internet? I have scoured the web in search of a piece of music that, by its very obscure nature, could be
The Classical Music Nerd Anthem, and I’m getting nothing. Let me first tell you this: I am a rockstar when it comes to googling. I am like the Keith Moon of googling. Minus the drugs. And pyrotechnics. And hotel trashing (although I once got really mad at my long distance provider and threw all my pants around the bedroom in a really destructive manner. So I guess me and Keith Moon kinda
are in the same league of badass-ness). My commitment to the online
theft liberation of intellectual property is really quite
illegal impressive. I leave no virtual stone unturned, no cyber crevice unexplored, no unprotected PC's music collection unravished. I am what some people (me) refer to as a GOD in the business of finding "free" music on the internet. So what gives?
Now, it looks like there were only two recordings of this piece made so I can appreciate its rarity and not-easy-to-come-by-ness. But I am especially masterful in the realm of finding rare things. This is where boderline OCD comes in handy (or so I’ve tried to explain to my therapist. She still thinks that having to turn the kitchen light on and off 333 times before making coffee in the morning is “debilitating to my daily life.” Pff. Whatever doctor. Who’s going to be laughing when I have in my possession an Adrian Boult-conducted Violin Concerto by Gerald Finzi, huh? Huh? ME. In your FACE. And then spin counter-clockwise 65 times, clock-wise 65, and on the right foot jump up and down 111 times. No! Not 110!! Jesus lady, you want to get us all killed or something?! Nope, nothing debilitating there.....)
Case and point: know what Lollywood is? No, not Bollywood (bet you felt really clever there for a second, huh? “Of
course I know what Bollywood is. Jeeze Sarah, you think you’re so much smarter than all us readers don’t you?” “Hey now. I just asked a simple question. No need to make the assumption that I was using your deficiencies in Greater Middle Eastern film trivia to prove that I was in any way better than you.” “Well ok then. I guess. But I still don’t care much for your tone.” “Fair enough. I don’t really care much for that sweater you’re wearing. Can we call it even and get back to this blog post?” “Fine.” “Fine.”) Right. Back to Lollywood. Let me spare you the humiliation of admitting you don’t know what I’m talking about and also save you the 3.5 seconds of wikipedia-ing it would take to undermine my upper hand in this satisfying power imbalance.
Lollywood refers to the Pakistani film industry based in the city of Lahore. And the music that was written for the Lollywood films of the 60’s and
70’s are full of fuzz guitars, space echo machines, American and European synthesizers, and a whole lotta awesomeness. Enter the compilation album “The Sound of Wonder!” (the exclamation point at the end makes me picture a very excited Pakistani man in platform shoes and a zippered jumpsuit doing the hustle while shouting something unintelligible yet delightful in Urdu. I am confused as to if this is racist or just plain ridiculous). This CD contains one of the greatest and weirdest pieces of music I have ever rocked out to. For a limited time it is being displayed on my Songs To Check Out at the right of the screen. “Karye Pyar” by Tafo. Take a listen before I replace it with a different awesome song. I do that. To keep readers coming back. You know every time my blog gets a hit, an angel gets it's wings.....
Where was I going with all this? Oh right, I was demonstrating my wicked awesome skills at tracking down digital goods on the internet. So if I can find Lollywood soundtracks from the 60's, I should be able to find Gerald Finzi’s
Introit for Solo Violin and Small Orchestra in F major, Op. 6. I MUST be able to. Because if I don’t, I will die. And that’s not just me being melodramatic either. I was at the doctor’s office the other day and he said “Sarah, I have some good news and I have some bad news. And then I have a little bit more good news. But then I have some REALLY bad news. The good news is that what you have is curable. The bad news is that the piece of music that is going to cure you is incredibly rare and damn near impossible to find. The little bit more of good news is that for £17.00 plus shipping you can send away for this CD and live to the ripe old age of 90. The REALLY bad news is that you are cheap and never pay for music when you get it in your head that someone on the internet has it uploaded somewhere… So sadly I am giving you under 1 week to live unless you can find your precious violin concerto online within that time. May your fingers be swift and your googling be fruitful. God speed.”) True story.
Here’s an example of how God messes with humans: I have borrowing privileges at UBC since I am an alumna (alumna is the female singular to alumni, but you knew that right?). I like this very much. Mainly because having special access to obscure academic material reinforces my massive ego (personally this is something I think I need more of. My therapist disagrees. Don't even get me started on the issues I think
she has
...). I spend more time at the UBC library now than I ever did when I was a student. I’m SO that creepy 28-year old hanging around making all the young music students feel uncomfortable and depressed. “Hey, you’re doing an essay on Copelands
Rodeo? Cool. I did that back when I was a student here. I’m an alumna now. They let me come and do whatever I want because I’m an alumna. Did I mention that I’m an alumna? I can use the microwave in the 3rd floor common room and not even have to ask permission. Because I’m an alumna. Awww, that's so cute how stressed out you are about your midterms. I used to be just like you. Freaking out over identifying German Augmented-6th chords or trying to memorize the harmonic structure of Strauss'
Elektra. Its so funny to look back on now because you know what? In the end it won't fucking matter. Seriously dude. Not once since I’ve been out in the real world has anyone asked me to display my advanced knowledge of Pitch-Class Set Theory. Yes, I
know its cool. You don’t have to explain that to me. Its the rest of the world that doesn’t care. Aaaah grasshopper, you have much to learn. So young and full hopes for where this music degree is going to take you. Hold on to that for as long as you can because after 4 years in the system you’re going to come out the other end pretty broken. And at some point you are going to realize that your parents were right. Getting a Commerce degree
would have been the smart thing to do. Job, paycheque, groceries, bed that’s not built out of cinder blocks and 2x4’s. Could have all been yours. But props to you for thinking that you’re going to change the world with your music. Woo hoo! Go misguided and naive enthusiasm! I will totally form a club with you. I mean, I’ll warn you right now that it will probably turn into the "Unemployed And Drunk by Noon Club" once your idealism finally wears off but that could be fun too. And hey, we’ll BOTH be alumni at that point so we can hold weekly meetings in the 3rd floor common room. You bring the Ramen noodles, I’ll bring the crushing blows of reality. Hey I’m so glad I met you - hope that essay goes well!”). Oops, minor mental detour there. Me being creepy is not an example of God messing around. No, here’s the cruel joke: a recording of this piece of music exists on the UBC campus BUT it's in LP format. ARGH! You have got to be freaking kidding me. I get that vinyl is making a comeback and is all cool again. Really, I get it. And I understand that some young people even own turntables. But seriously. Do I really sound like someone in touch with the social trends of present times? Did you not read my post about duct-tape wet-weather gear? (shameless blog promotion! September 21 entry - read it folks). I mean, I bought a hacky-sack last year thinking it would up my street cred, only to find out:
1. they stopped being cool in 1997 (thanks for the memo,
friends)
2. I am not a 14 year old boy loitering outside a 7/11
3. I lack the simple coordination to do anything but frantically kick the air and hope that one of those times my foot will connect with the hacky-sack making me look supremely cool.
So, no. I am not in the league of Turntable Hipness. But I
am on board with the digital times. And since thieving music off a record requires foraying into the analog world, I will have to continue my search elsewhere. No matter how hard you try, an LP does not fit into the CD slot of an iMac. FACT.
God: 1 Sarah: 0
Someone close to me suggested going out into the real world and trying to find the album in a (gasp) record store. That would be a first for sure. I tend to use record stores as taster buffets. I go in, look at all the albums that may be of interest, give them all a listen using the store's player and headphones, and then go home to torrent the night away. If you think about it, I’m really just doing the most environmentally responsible thing. How many trees get cut down to make a CD insert? How many oil refineries does it take to create a petroleum-based jewel case? How about all the non-renewable fossil fuels required to ship those CD’s? Jesus. All I’m doing is sitting in my basement connecting to the harmless internet, downloading some music that in no way will ever contribute to the destruction to the earth. I should really be getting paid for the service I do. But being the humble philanthropist that I am, I ask for nothing in return.
A copy of Finzi’s Op.6
would be pretty sweet though....
.....if anyone was so inclined to support the good work I do.
