So Pumped About Pumps (of the non-penis-enhancing variety)

Like most people who are too poor to own a car commute by bike, I own a bike pump. Its not a great pump or anything but its certainly not a hunk of junk - in fact 95% of the parts are made of steel and other non-hunk-o-junk sounding alloys (that my limited chemistry background prevents me from listing). Now I'm not saying that Lance Armstrong would be excited to use my bike pump or anything, I am just merely stating that this bike pump should be given numerous chances at resuscitation should the need every arise.

Consider the need arisen. My pump has stopped working. Upon dismantling it and calling on some Grade 3 physics, I was able to determine that the rubber plunger washer that creates pressure in the tube was no longer in the spot that it should be at. Nope. Instead it was stuck at the bottom of the column, sitting in its dark, greasy grave with no way for me to retrieve it.

I bet you're already thinking "pfff. Why doesn't she just use a coat hanger to fish it out?" And I bet you're also thinking how much more clever you are than me. Before you go feeling all good about yourself, I'm going stop you right there. I DID use a coat hanger to try and fish it out but there was just no way to get enough leverage to pull it up. Sorry to get your hopes up - please continue sinking into that low self-esteem while I proceed with my trivial bike pump story.

Off to the bike mechanics. There are many on Main street. I really shouldn't have needed more than one....

[That last sentence? That's known as a literary device called "foreshadowing." It's when the author drops subtle hints about plot developments to come later in the story. Now see, when I (the author) said "I really shouldn't have needed more than one," what you (the reader) should infer from that is how I will end up visiting more than one shop as the story progresses. Just thought I'd clarify that for anyone who was sick the day they taught foreshadowing in Grade 9 English].

To protect my ass from getting sued over slander the identity of the stores I visited, I'll just number them.

Store 1 - Run by hippies and anarchists
"Hi there. I have a broken bike pump that I was hoping you could help with. The rubber plunger washer is stuck at the bottom of the column and I'm having troubles retrieving it. Any ideas?"

To which the very young and very high bike mechanic said. "Whoa. Hang on. Show me that again. Where is the rubber plunger washer thingy supposed to go again? Oh right. I forgot. Yeah. Where is it now? Hey its missing! Did you know your rubber plunger washer thing is missing? I bet that's what the problem is."

Once Jamie and I had gone over and over (and over) that I DID in fact know that the rubber plunger washer was not where it was supposed to be, and that NO it wasn't missing, just stuck at the bottom of the bike pump (which he thought was hilARious), we were able to come to these conclusions:

Me to Jamie "You are too high to help me."
Jamie to Me "You have a weird looking face."

Awesome. NEXT!

Store 2 - Run by upscale yuppie know-it-alls
"Hi there. I have a broken bike pump that I was hoping you could help with. The rubber plunger washer is stuck at the bottom of the column and I'm having troubles retrieving it. Any ideas?"

To which a very clean (never trust a bike mechanic who has no grease anywhere on his body) Chad said "No there's definitely no way to fix this. How much did you pay for it? Because if you didn't pay at least $150 then there's no way to fix it. I can sell you one if you like. And hey, I'll give it to you for $125 - at that point I'm not even making any money on it but I like you and I'm a pretty amazing generous guy. Have I ever run into this problem before you ask? Well I'm not sure. Usually when anything I own stops working I just throw it away and buy myself a brand new one. Oh yeah I do that all the time. TV's, cell phones, dirty laundry, a few kittens I once forgot to feed, you name it. That's what money is for, right? Why are you trying to fix this pump? I mean, I'm practically GIVING you a brand new one (for $125). Just throw that one in the trash and get on the Lets All Consume More wagon!"

Conclusions:

Chad to Me: "Hey lady, you living in the Depression or something? NOW is the time to buy, buy, buy and waste, waste, waste!!
Me to Chad: "You are a douche bag. Please take you hands off my bike pump."

Store 3 and 4 were a nice blend of column A and column B.

I was pretty much done for the day when I passed by one last bike shop run by a old smiling Chinese man who greeted me 4 times in under 2 seconds. This had potential.

Store 5 - A WINNER
Once more I explained what was wrong with my pump and within 30 seconds this little Asian man procured a coat hanger and a pair of pliers. It turns out I had the right IDEA but my execution of Proper Coat Hanger-Bending left little to be desired. His coat hanger was just so much better than mine (I could have sworn it resembled an origami swan)..... And before I could say anything, he was handing me my greasy plunger washer rescued from the bottom of my pump, with a giant beaming grin on his face and lots of head nodding. I nodded back. With a giant beaming grin on MY face. He laughed. I laughed. We both laughed. Not sure what we were laughing about but it felt good.

I have no idea what the moral of this story is. Have I ever offered a moral before? I guess I could say some stuff about the evils of drugs and consumerism but that doesn't feel right. How about this:

**Little Asian men who smile a lot and wield coat hangers are probably more able to solve your problems than you think.**

Sarahism © 2009. You heard it here first folks! Go forth and spread the message. And while you're at it, tell more people about my blog. I'm sure if Jesus had a blogger account, he'd have asked the same thing.......