My Passions Have Been Ignited Once Again

So I left out some milk and cookies to see if that would entice my blog elves out of hiding but alas, all I found in the morning was a jolly looking white-haired old man dead on my living room floor. After the coroner left, it was Mrs. Clause who filled me in on her husband's Type 2 Diabetes and adamant negation of the doctor's warning to stop partaking in the goodies the children leave out. I do regret that Santa's last cookie was a stale Chip's-Ahoy I found under the couch cushion, but in my defense the only person I thought would end up eating it was a midget or the huge spider that lives behind my hot water heater (yeah that's right buddy. I know ALL about you!). Had I known the tragedy that would befall the old man, I would have at least sprung for cookies with the chocolate chunks in them. If its your time to go, then go out with a bang. Actually when I think about it, I suppose I would have just put out some celery sticks and a bowl of cottage cheese and avoided this whole 'death' thing altogether. Hindsight is 20/20. Telling your child that Santa is dead due to an EXTREMELY avoidable and reversible disease is priceless. How's that for a Christmas morning Kodak moment? "Merry Christmas Tommy. We thought this year we'd get you the gift of a reality check. You know how much you love your Fruit Loops? Well so did Santa. And now he's DEAD. Adult Onset Diabetes is no laughing matter. Let us all learn a lesson from this. Oh look! its snowing out....."

Ok. Where was I going with all this? Oh yes. The elves have forsaken me. This blog rests entirely on my untiring shoulders. Big responsibility. I will fail you not, Good People of Internet-a-lot.

And now for today's important and socially relevant topic.....


Philip Seymour Hoffman: Man or Sweaty Pervert Better Suited for Meat Grinder?

Let's discuss.

Why do people like this guy?! And by people I mean Nayt Keane and Julia Hilton. Perhaps there are more (doubtful) but my circle of friends is limited and my reclusive nature keeps me from going any further in this poll. I actually did ask them why they think he's so great but I really struggled to hear what they were saying over my yelling "HE'S SO GROSS I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LIKE HIM WHAT OTHER CREEPY ACTORS ARE YOU OBSESSED WITH THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT MAYBE WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS ANYMORE HOW CAN I RESPECT YOU ANYMORE LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING, NOT LISTENING CAN'T HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA!!!!!" We often have spirited debates like that. Eventually I make them see how unreasonably and totally wrong they are (hey btw, do you remember when Burt Reynolds did that 8 episode stint on "Friends"? He was so great in that. Offered a lot of credibility to the role of Monica's older boyfriend. Yuuuuup. Burt Reynolds. That was him. In all his Burt Reynoldy glory. Just acting his little heart out. As only BURT REYNOLDS can do......)

Anyways, I thought rather than have a serious face-to-face discussion with people where I run the risk of being proven inarticulate at very best, I'd rather blog about stuff knowing full well that once its on the internet, it cannot be taken down. And thus must be FACT.

So. Lets begin.

Strikes Against Philip

1. beady little eyes - inbred or just demonic? discuss.
2. profuse sweating. ALL the time. Trait also found in serial killers. Compare and contrast.
3. heavy breathing. And grunting. And strange almost-vomiting sounds whenever he speaks/open his mouth. Hopefully not some sort of disability or else we'll have to take the gutless high road and talk about how he's "overcome" so much in his life and blah blah blah.....
4. the internet's strange love affair with him. Now, it is not easy to find a website dedicated to how terrible this guy is. I have looked. Oh, how I have looked. I googled until the cows came home in hopes of finding some sort of Philip Makes Us Wretch online club that I could join and then send away for a complementary "Don't fillMEup with Philip" coffee mug. No dice. Which leads me to believe two things. 1.) In his movies he performs some sort of weird hypnotizing act with his beady eyes and heaving throaty grunts that brainwashes the viewer. I have of course only been exposed to 1.5 of his movies and possess phenomenal brain capacity that could easily withstand even the most intense of Jedi mind tricks. 2.) People who publicly denounce Phillip Seymour Hoffman are killed within the hour. I am lucky to be blogging this from a secure bunker in an undisclosed location. Fear not people. I will live on. Dedicated to bringing light into my public's dark little lives. Its the least I can do. Seriously. I was originally going to write a blog on how to convert leftover toilet paper rolls into bird feeders but then I realized there was something even LESS useful I could bring into the world of blogging. Personal opinion. So don't thank me. Unless you feel really compelled. In which case I always accept cash (no coins please, what do you think I am, a hobo?) and baked goods.

Wow. How did we get on the subject of my awesomeness again? [Side note - one should never ignore a recurring theme as there is often much truth behind it]. But I digress. Back to Philip.

After doing a little research I came up with some other interesting views that are worth noting:

On the highly respected movie news website digitalspy.com, Hoffman is quoted as saying "There's a certain amount of pain that goes into [acting]. It's painful. It's not easy."

On the even more respected 'pearls of wisdom' website sarahmacnabb.blogspot.com, Macnabb is quoted as saying "There is an EPIC amount of pain while watching Hoffman act. Its so totally MORE painful to be the person watching his films. It's, like, not easy but times infinity. Squared. Cubed. And then times infinity again. Plus one."

Even the STARmeter on imdb.com has him down 4% this week. Vindication.

There you have it folks. When your status starts slipping in the STARmeter, you know its all coming to an end. Move over Chuck Norris. Your 4:00 a.m. informercial slot is in jeopardy. There's a new has-been in town ready to make those paychecks flogging one Ab-sizzler at a time....

P.S. Nayt is quoted as saying "Everything he does, I love. His acting is so enriched. I like him." Keeping in mind that Nayt is a new dad that has not slept in almost 10 months. And might have been a little bit high at the time of said comments. Not to discredit his opinion in any way. And by a "little bit high" I mean caught doing blow out of a hookers navel. Not that that should in ANY way taint your belief in his statements. And also I think the hooker might have had a wooden leg stuffed with cash and anthrax. I'm just saying......