Owen Wilson Talks Funny And Jennifer Aniston Should Go Back to Working at Central Perk

It has come to my attention that blogs need "maintaining." I'm not quite sure what I was expecting but I think in my mind it went a little something like this:

1.) get blog
2.) write first post
3.) elves come in the night to write all subsequent posts
4.) get up every morning and read new posts
5.) drink coffee and feel smug
6.) accept all credit
7.) repeat

So far, none of this has happened. Except for the drinking coffee and feeling smug part. But I did that before I got a blog.

I guess I could try writing a second entry. Buy those elves a little more time. For all I know they could be stuck in Fort Lauderdale at some curly shoe conference. I'm all about giving midgets people the benefit of the doubt.

Ok. So, what? I just talk about things going on in my life? How do you now how much or how little information to share?

What if I just write: since the last time I posted, I've done stuff. Too vague? Alright, how about this: I swapped out my bike seat the other day because it was making my crotch resemble hamburger. TMI?

See, I just don't know. I suppose I could read other peoples blogs and get a general feel of whats appropriate blogging material. That seems like a lot of work though. And I'm already pretty busy writing this......

Ok. I've got a good not-too-personal/not-too-general topic to discuss.

So, you know how when you're at the library on a Tuesday afternoon picking out a DVD to watch later that night because "Real Housewives of Orange Country" PBS's 5-part documentary on Darfur is going to be a rerun? And you're looking for something light, non-committal, the "easy-listening-for-the-over-40-crowd" of movies? And you're scanning over all the titles saying to yourself "no, no, too violent, too boring, not violent enough, too early 90's, too foreign, too American, main character too ugly, main character too obscenely slutty" and then you come across a Jennifer Aniston/Owen Wilson flick with a PUPPY on the cover and you're like "Hmmm, 'Marley and Me,' yeah this one looks good." Right? You know what I'm talking about? I can't be the only one to admit to seeing this movie because it made $36,357,586 at the box office in its opening weekend. FACT. So I know other people have watched it. Paid money to watch it. In the theatre.

So, I took it to the front desk and checked it out. Explaining, of course, to the librarian how it was for my 9 year-old sister who loves puppies...and sub-par acting.

Let me state for the record that I went into this movie with low expectations. Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson and a dog. What can I say? I knew it wasn't going to be in the same league as "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead" "Citizen Kane."

And see here's the thing, I had already read this book. Plot was not an issue. Just a cute story about a guy and his dog. Mildly funny anecdotes of furniture chewing and wading through poop to search for a swallowed necklace. Pretty straightforward man vs. dog stuff. How do you fuck that up? Its IMPOSSIBLE.

And then we watched it. That's where things got a little hazy.

As did my understanding of the word impossible.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS MOVIE ABOUT?! It was like the director shot an entire film about two miserable people played by two b-rate actors with terrible chemistry and then on the last day of filming, the doughnut delivery guy was like, "where's the dog?" and the director was like "what dog" and then the doughnut delivery guy was like "well, in the book there's a dog. He's Marley. You know, "Marley and Me." And then the director was like "I thought Marley was the dude's wife! Uh oh. How much is this dog in the book?" and then the doughnut delivery guy was like "well, seeing as how the whole point of the story is his existence, he pops up quite a bit. Pretty much on every page." and then the director, like, shouted into his parking cone thingy "OK I NEED A PUPPY, A JUVENILE AND AN OLD ARTHRITIC DOG ALL IN THE SAME COLOUR AND BREED! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT THESE SCENES IN 1 DAY AND FOOL THE PUBLIC INTO THINKING WE DIDN'T GET IT TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG. LETS MOVE PEOPLE!"

Things That Suck More Than The Movie "Marley and Me"

1.) a high-performance vacuum cleaner (like a Dyson)
2.) plastic spit sucker thingy they use at the dentist

Ok. I thought that list would be longer. But still. A Dyson vacuum! Those things can pick up gold bars with the crevice tool.

So, yeah. Don't rent "Marley and Me." And if you're thinking that a bottle of red wine will make it better, let me just stop you right there. Even a room full of tipsy and witty critics couldn't bring this movie back from death's door. Although, Nayt did get a chance to practice his Owen Wilson accent. And that is no easy feat. Try to say something out loud that sounds convincingly like Owen Wilson right now. I dare you. FAIL. Not even close my friend.

So the next movie we are going to try and enjoy, is "Cold Mountain." Apparently the Washington Post called it "The Best Picture Of The Year" but I never trust anyone from Washington. And if you were smart, neither would you...

We'll see. Its got Old Scrunchee-Face McGee Renee Zellweger in it so I'm not getting my hopes up. But beggars can't be choosers when they get their movies from the library. It was either Cold Mountain or a Pilates Home Workout DVD. And you know my stance on exercising along with condescending spandex-clad health freaks on the TV. Or maybe you don't. Wait. That could be a blog entry. You know, in case the elf thing doesn't pan out......