Craigslist Ad #6

Wanna Wait A Few Hours Tomorrow Morning For Toast?

One vintage Proctor Silex Toaster Oven. 

Vintage means old, right?

This toaster oven was from when my brother was in University and since then I've inherited it.

Inherit means steal, right?

So what can I tell you about this toaster oven? It has some sweet-ass levers and knobs on it. No chance of malfunctioning electrical gadgetry here! Phewf. Did you know that suicide rates have gone up 13% since they started using electronics in small appliances? Shocking. Well what's really shocking is that I totally just made that up to make you want to buy my old toaster oven over splurging on a new one with computerized presets. I am so ashamed, who misrepresents them-self on craigslist?? Clearly I am morally bankrupt. And also financially bankrupt. Which explains stealing a toaster oven from a loved one and hocking it on the internet. Ha! Just a little criminal humour there. My brother has been graduated for like 8 years. It was in my parents house. Just sitting there. Waiting for someone to come along and fill it with joy again. And small muffins.

Everything works great on this toaster oven. Why am I selling it you may ask? Well for starters, who actually uses toaster ovens? In theory they seems like a good idea. A teeny tiny oven. But then there comes a day in which: "hey guys, I finally figured out what this big white box in the kitchen that gets really hot is - a BIG oven!" And then you wonder why the fuck you have a teeny-tiny oven. And then you take some pictures of it and post it on craiglist and count the days until you can be rid of the thing thats been taking up valuable counter space. Don't worry, at some point you will do this too. It artfully demonstrates the beautiful circle of life (of toaster ovens). But, you know, its important that you learn this lesson on your own. So pay me money in exchange for my toaster over and get started today on your journey of self-awareness (and acute awareness that you don't in fact need, nor will you ever need, a toaster oven) and reflective postulation (about how you really shouldn't have paid someone $15 for a bloody toaster oven!).

Some things that you wouldn't use a toaster oven for:

1. toast (thats what toasters are for)

2. a turkey

3. a tray of cookies

4. a cake

5. a pie

6. ribs

7. a salmon

and the list goes on. Just to clarify, your BIG oven can do all these things. Your toaster oven can do none of them. And please don't argue #1. We both know that toast made in a toaster oven takes well over an hour and ends up more like stale bread than toast.  

In one of the pictures you will see an apple. That does not come with the toaster oven - I was merely using it for scale. And plus I already ate it. Un-toasted. An example of yet another thing that you wouldn't put in your toaster oven. But this falls on deaf ears. I can already see that you have your mind made up. I happily await your email.