Craigslist Ad #4

Juicer For Easily Manipulated Health-Conscious Person

Would you consider yourself a healthy person? Well chances are if you don't own a juicer, YOU'RE NOT. As countless late-night infomercials have taught me, the only way to be a happy, youthful person bursting with vitality and zestful energy is to consume all your food through a straw (which ironically is also how toothless old farts bursting with incontinence and racist slurs eat their meals).

C'mon! Join the Juicing Cult! Once you own a juicer you will seek out all sorts of juicing propaganda from credible sources on the internet i.e. Linda from Vermont. Doesn't she sound reliable? Who WOULDN'T believe everything a rich housewife suffering from apathy, owning too many porches, and a botched Botox job has to say about the "science" of juicing? You can spend HOURS lecturing and indoctrinating your friends, making them feel stupid and outdated for using their teeth to manually (not to mention savagely) grind up their food. With the revolutionary new technology of 'squeezing things until they puke out liquid' you will BE the Jones that everyone is trying to keep up with.

After just a week of exclusively ingesting juiced foods you will see the following results:

- diarrhea

- more diarrhea

- a rosey flush in your cheeks (from running to the bathroom from even MORE diarrhea)

- weight loss (from the inability to keep anything you eat from shooting out your ass 3 minutes later )

- improved intimacy with your partner (from the explosive diarrhea you unfortunately experienced on the couch while watching a funny movie together - now he knows EVERYTHING about you....)

- noticeably firmer gluteus maximus (from extreme butt cheek clenching while frantically searching for a restaurant and convincing the host that although you do understand and respect their No Public Washroom Except for Paying Customers policy, this really IS an emergency...)

- a deep connection with God (from the many conversations you had with him while on the toilet "Oh Dear God! Please make this stop! I promise to start going to church, and to volunteer at places that usually make me really uncomfortable, and to help little old ladies cross the street even though I know they're going to want to then chat about their grandaughter, Mackenzie and how lovely her 4th grade tap-dance year end concert was for 2 hours! PLEASE GOD! JUST CLOSE THE PORTAL TO HELL THAT MY ASSHOLE HAS BECOME!)

Sounds like its time to make that $100 investment in a juicer. Welcome to whole new way of life my friend.

Worth $199 for newest 1000 model. Since mine is a bit older and used, I'm asking $100 OBO

Please e-mail if you're interested or have any questions. Please refrain from sending pictures of your penis. Why do you think that's an appropriate way to respond to a juicer ad?!