Deadline looming. Time to blog about inane shit that I know is really important to you.

My plant hates me.

I don't know why and I didn't know that plants could, but my plant hates me.

I own am the proud angry owner of a generic tropical plant. Species unknown. The label that came with it said 2" Tropical Plant. A little red flag should have gone up right then and there. What plant doesn't have a name? I'll tell you which: the kind that will grow up to hate you. And slowly break you down. One defiant yellowish leaf at a time.

Blatant subversiveness is the name of this plants game. I prop it up, it grows down. I put it near light, it leans toward shade. I put it in shade, it strains towards light. I have suspicions that its not a plant at all, but a willful 2 year old child (theory yet to be proved).

It has decided that instead of having its leaves grow out at its side like other plants, instead it will have its leaves point straight downwards. Hell bent on making me look like a really bad and negligent plant owner. This plant is the toddler that stands in aisle 4 of the grocery store and screams bloody murder after you've taken out their addition to the cart and said "no sweetie, we aren't going to buy ribbed condoms today" making everyone wonder if you secretly beat your child at home and/or if you are a sexual deviant who shops for condoms in the presence of their 4-year old (I just heard a Republican somewhere gasp in horror). Side note: Both kids and plants collaborative mission = humiliate adults at any chance.

Nothing I do makes this plant happy. A more esoteric person might make a clever analogy here about how this plant is like life and blah blah blah *snooooooooooore* That person has a very different blog than me:

itakemyselfveryseriouslyandsoshouldyou.blogspot.com

I'll just continue bitching about my plant.

That hates me.

I have other plants you know. Alive, flourishing, happy. Its not ME. Its the plant. Who is an asshole. Yes. I just called my plant an asshole.

I am going to surround my asshole plant with all my other happy plants. In the hopes that their goodwill and ability to be normal rubs off on it. I take a risk in doing this though - come the morning I might end up with 7 asshole plants where before there was only one. In which case I will gleefully regretfully pull them up by the roots and start over with better plants. Plants that will DO what plants are meant to do. WHY CAN'T THINGS JUST DO WHAT THEY'RE MEANT TO DO!